InuYasha Episodes 5 Through 7 In a Can
by Ellethwen
Summary: Sometimes, it's possible to condense 3 InuYasha episodes into 1 quick, funny read, as this rewritten script shows...


**InuYasha Episodes 5-7 In a Can**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own InuYasha. I'm just some crazy fanfic writer. If you sue me, you wouldn't get anything anyways.

**The Feudal Era of Japan (Mythical Version)**

**Some creepy place at night**

OMINOUS MOON: is foggy

SESSHOUMARU: is staring at moon

OMINOUS MUSIC: is creepy

OMINOUS GRAVESITE IN THE DISTANCE: is ominous

JAKEN: M'lord, this ominous grave site is the right grave site out of all the other ominous grave sites we've seen!

SESSHOUMARU: And you're certain?

JAKEN: Mmm-hmm. I swear this one is right.

SESSHOUMARU: Mmmkay. But you know I'll step on you if you're wrong again.

WOLVES: appear out of nowhere

SESSHOUMARU: I want the fang! LYKE NOW. does shiny twirly ballet thing-o

WOLVES: drop dead

JAKEN: pokes ground with creepy staff a creepy head like an old lady's shrieks

JAKEN: Oooops. Wrong grave site.

SESSHOUMARU: ... SQUISH. steps on Jaken

MYOUGA THE FLEA: Since I'm such a crappy grave guardian who's afraid of everything, I'm going to run away from this dude and tell InuYasha about him! Because I don't recognize him even though I was his father's retainer!

**Some other place by a river**

CAPTAIN: Let's all eat this boar, and be happy that we're all GOING TO DIE IN BATTLE.

SAMURAI: Hurray!

SESSHOUMARU: Give me a boat, plzkthanx.

CAPTAIN: Sorry, we need all of our boats for our suicide mission.

SESSHOUMARU: twists captain's neck eyes glow red

CAPTAIN: is dead

SAMURAI: RAAA!!!

SESSHOUMARU: Jaken.

JAKEN: burns everyone with the Creepy Staff

**On a boat in the river**

JAKEN: Lord Sesshoumaru?

SESSHOUMARU: Mmmm?

JAKEN: Can we ask InuYasha where the tomb is?

SESSHOUMARU: tosses Jaken in the river pushes Jaken under the water with the Creepy Two-Headed Staff

SESSHOUMARU: He's sealed to a tree.

JAKEN: Okay. Hey, can you take away the staff? 'cause I can't breathe...

STAFF: is removed

JAKEN: Ung-glug.

**Kaede's village**

KAGOME: climbs out of well with a big pink bike Okay, why am I stuck in some feudal version of Japan, and how the hell did I get reincarnated as some creep-o shrine maiden?

MYOUGA: hears the bike

KAGOME: runs over Myouga

MYOUGA: Why do I have to be a flea?

INUYASHA: is sitting in a tree

KAGOME: Get down here for some first aid treatment.

INUYASHA: No.

KAGOME: OSUWARI. (Author's note: "sit" in Japanese. Couldn't resist, it sounds funnier.)

INUYASHA: crashes to ground along with branch looks remarkably like a dog WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

VILLAGE CHILDREN: Look, Kaede! Kagome's trying to make InuYasha take his shirt off!

KAEDE: AVERT YE EYES! sneaks up behind Kagome and InuYasha

KAGOME: clutching InuYasha's shirt I SAID TAKE IT OFF!!!!

INUYASHA: NO!

KAEDE: THIS IS A PG-RATED SHOW.

KAGOME: Eeh...?

INUYASHA: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!

MYOUGA: sucks InuYasha'a blood

INUYASHA: SQUISH. squishes Myouga Yo, stop sucking my blood.

KAGOME: What is that?

INUYASHA: A flea. My father's old retainer.

KAGOME: A FLEA? sprays Myouga with bug spray

MYOUGA: keels over

INUYASHA: What's that?

**Kaede's hut**

INUYASHA: So, you saw someone looking for my dad's tomb.

MYOUGA: Yup.

INUYASHA: And ran here.

MYOUGA: Yup.

INUYASHA: Remind me again why the hell dad choose you as his retainer.

MYOUGA: His blood tasted good. And he was really strong.

KAGOME: What about his mother?

MYOUGA: Oh, she-

INUYASHA: SQUISH. steps on Myouga

KAGOME: HEY!

INUYASHA: storms out of hut angrily

**Kaede's village, nighttime**

KAGOME: Wow, wonder what I did back there?

INUYASHA: is sitting in his tree, which has remarkably grown the broken branch back in the space of about three hours to look exactly like it did before

EERIE WIND: blows around eerily

INUYASHA: GET DOWN! jumps out of tree and forces Kagome to the ground

KAGOME: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE JUMPING.

INUYASHA: It's a flying carriage!

KAGOME: AND THERE'S A CREEPY LADY RIDING IN IT. OOOOHHHHH.

INUYASHA: No, it's just my mother.

KAGOME: You've lost your marbles. Isn't your mother dead?

INUYASHA: MOTHER!!!

KAGOME: D-E-A-D.

INUYASHA'S SUPPOSED MOTHER: INUYASHA!!!

INUYASHA: MOTHER!!!

MOTHER: INUYASHA!!!

KAGOME: Okay, this is kinda pointless.

GIANT HAND: squishes carriage

KAGOME: Hey, this is kinda getting interesting. I'd get popcorn if they had any in this era.

JAKEN: acts like a pyro BURN BABY BUUURRRN!!!

INUYASHA: ... YOU MISSED, DUMBASS.

SESSHOUMARU: Once we're done, kill him please.

JAKEN: It will be done, my lord.

INUYASHA: Who's tha-SESSHOUMARU!!!

SESSHOUMARU: Hello, little brother.

INUYASHA: Except there's the fact that I'm only your half brother.

SESSHOUMARU: ... Okay.

KAGOME: Mmm...that guy's kinda cute...entertains R-rated thoughts while Sesshoumaru argues with InuYasha

SESSHOUMARU: Where's our father's tomb?

INUYASHA: How the hell should I know? He died like the night I was born.

SESSHOUMARU: Okay. How about we let your mother suffer? green light whip thing-o

INUYASHA: SHE'S DEAD, IDIOT.

SESSHOUMARU: MY SWORD CAN RESURRECT PEOPLE.

KAGOME: OH SNAP.

MOTHER: I HAVE COME BACK INUYASHAAAAAAA!!!!!

INUYASHA: is nearly killed

MOTHER: conjures up some ball of light

EVERYTHING: flashes white

JAKEN: I RULE.

SESSHOUMARU: This scheme of yours sucks. I'll kill you if it fails.

JAKEN: Meeep.

**The "border of the spirit world"**

INUYASHA: Where the hell am I?

MOTHER: At the border of the spirit world. I'm going to be going soon.

INUYASHA: Oh right. I keep forgetting you're dead.

MOTHER: ...insensitive prick.

KAGOME: Oh, InuYasha and his mom are all right...hmmm...looks into water Hey, she's got no face when I see her in the water-INUYASHA!!! no noise Ahhh, I can't speak! can't move either

**Kaede's village, night**

There's a bunch of people looking for Kagome. They find her bike. This scene is pointless and I don't know why it's there.

**Higurashi shrine, modern-day Tokyo, night**

KAGOME'S MOTHER: is raising a bike seat

SOUTA: has been woken up

KAGOME'S MOTHER: Ooops, sorry.

**The "border of the spirit world"**

INU-MAMA: throws petals into water

INUYASHA: watches a smaller version of himself run after a ball

INU-MAMA: hugs InuYasha while she's hugging him, her hands go into his back. THIS SHOULD POINT OUT SOMETHING OBVIOUS

KAGOME: still can't move

SPIRIT WORLD: disappears for Kagome, but InuYasha's still stuck in dreamland

KAGOME: has been chained up

MYOUGA: BLOOD. sucks Kagome's blood

KAGOME: SQUISH. squishes Myouga

INU-MAMA: is sucking InuYasha into her, as gross as this sounds

JAKEN: NO SOUL-SUCKING!

INU-MAMA: glares Awight. talks to InuYasha Where is your father's tomb?

INUYASHA: I DON'T KNOW. WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?

INU-MAMA: Black Pearl!

JAKEN: HUH?

INUYASHA: apparently realizes that this person is not his mother

KAGOME: SQUISH. steps on Jaken and takes the staff

MYOUGA: See that reflection of a little boy?

KAGOME: Yeah.

MYOUGA: Splash the water there.

KAGOME: does as she is told

INUYASHA: falls over, and realizes he is back in feudal Japan (mythical version), at night time HEY!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MAMA!!!

SESSHOUMARU: MOOHAHAHA. I know where it is! pulls black pearl out of InuYasha's eye Now that I have this, you can die. light whip thing-o

FAKE INU-MAMA (REALLY THE UN-MOTHER): saves InuYasha

JAKEN: gets staff back

SESSHOUMARU: pokes pearl with staff

PORTAL: appears

SESSHOUMARU: steps through portal

INUYASHA, KAGOME, AND MYOUGA: follow

INUYASHA: You know, Sesshoumaru might kill you, right?

MYOUGA: AHHH!

KAGOME: And your point is...?

**InuYasha and Sesshoumaru's father's grave**

SESSHOUMARU: Ahhh, Tessaiga. The sword that my father, in his idiocy, FORGOT to give me before he died.

JAKEN: What are you waiting for? Pick it up!

SESSHOUMARU: tries to pull out sword in King Arthur-esque moment is electrocuted

INUYASHA: MOOHAHAHA. tries to punch Sesshoumaru

SESSHOUMARU: You suck.

INUYASHA & SESSHOUMARU: continue to fight. Sesshoumaru is, of course, amazing, while all InuYasha can do is punch the wall

MYOUGA: Get the sword!

INUYASHA: looks at Tessaiga Can thing thing even cut really thin hair?

KAGOME: Just pull it out, okay?

INUYASHA: Alright, if Myouga's so sure it's supposed to go to me. more King Arthur-esque moments as InuYasha, although not electrocuted, cannot pull the sword out

ONLOOKERS: Eh?

INUYASHA: Yo. picks up Myouga SQUISH. squishes Myouga

SESSHOUMARU: OY. tries to kill InuYasha, who runs and barely escapes-again

KAGOME: decides to pick a fight with Jaken seizes staff as he swings it around

JAKEN: SO NOT FAIR. You're like four feet taller then me!

KAGOME: AND I'M A HUMAN!

JAKEN: HUMANS SUCK!

KAGOME: Excuse me, but who's winning right now?

JAKEN: gets the upper hand for the only time in the series throws Kagome into the Pedestal of Annoyance I WIN.

KAGOME: Oh no you don't-tries to stand up, and in doing so, she grabs Tessaiga's hilt while walking forward, she is still holding the sword. It moves a little-and-

TESSAIGA: comes out of pedestal

ONLOOKERS: speechless

KAGOME: Uhhh...oops?

SESSHOUMARU: O. M. G. promptly goes to kill Kagome

KAGOME: Excuse me, may I help you?

SESSHOUMARU: Yes, I'd like to know...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?

KAGOME: ...

INUYASHA: ...

MYOUGA: ...

JAKEN: Why don't you just kill her while you have the chance?

SESSHOUMARU: Oh, yeah. apparently 'kills' Kagome

INUYASHA: RAAA!!! I SHALL KILL YOU JAKEN FOR MAKING SESSHOUMARU KILL KAGOME WHO NEARLY KILLED MYOUGA WHO... promptly starts to fight Sesshoumaru again

KAGOME: rises out of poisonous muck in a creepy moment

SESSHOUMARU: THIS CALLS FOR SOME SERIOUS ACTION. transforms into huge fluffy dog

EVERYONE: RUN AWAY!!! everyone moves to the roof

KAGOME: has weird moment

INUYASHA: Stay there and let me protect you, alright? 'cause I'm supposed to be the hero.

TESSAIGA: grows very large and sharp and doesn't look at all like the poor pitiful thing we saw earlier

INUYASHA: WHHEEEE!!! cuts off Sesshoumaru's left arm

SESSHOUMARU: WHAAA MOMMY. disappears in a flash of light

MYOUGA: had run away earlier, but now comes back under excuse of 'getting a ride home'

INUYASHA: Really?

MYOUGA: Ahhh...

INUYASHA: SQUISH. squishes Myouga

**Kaede's village, morning**

INUYASHA: Well that's that.

KAGOME: Mmmm.

**Kaede's hut**

KAEDE: Ye have too many hidden powers, Kagome.

MYOUGA: Well, it worked out.

KAGOME: Man, why does having to protect me make the sword grow pointy and big?

**Kaede's village**

KAGOME: I know how Tessaiga works.

INUYASHA: was sitting in his tree, looking woefully at Tessaiga, which is now a piece of junk again And what's that?

KAGOME: Will you promise to protect me with it forever?

INUYASHA: No way!

KAGOME: pushes InuYasha onto bridge OSUWARI.

INUYASHA: crashes through bridge, landing in the water splutters HEY!

**Fin.**


End file.
